The end of the old and the ringing in of the new is a process, as another year in this calendar of life rolls into a new one. Promises of changes to be made and good things to come are shiny and new at this time of year. I’m of an age where I learned a long time ago not to make New Years resolutions. That puts unnecessary stress on me. I don’t need to buy any extra stress if it can be prevented. For me, it’s often a time of reflecting and thinking back over the past year to see what was written in my life and to maybe take the time to take a breath and think about the possibilities of the upcoming year.
As I type this, I am currently listening to our two grands argue while playing with their Nerf guns. Good times. I wishfully hope that they have no knowledge that this is New Years Eve so that they won’t ask to stay up late, but I know that’s unlikely. Both of them are on medications for one reason or another right now, and after having spent a total of 3 hours waiting in a doctor’s office and then pharmacy yesterday with the two of them, I just want the night and the year to be over. To quietly fade away as I hope for that “Joy comes in the morning” thing… as too frequently recently I’ve felt my joy slip away.
As I was surfing through blog posts of others, I ran across some that talk about picking your word for the new year. My word? Hmm. I’m not sure I know what my word would be. Based on the past year, I have come to realize a few things about myself. During this past year I’ve learned some truths about myself. I’ve learned that every single time I’ve thought … I can’t do this … I’ve been able to “do it”. I’ve learned that things that have come to light that could potentially devastate me have not – but maybe have made me stronger. I’ve learned that there is absolutely no way that I can truly know another individual. I’m learning that I can’t spend time finding fault with that in myself, for who of us truly knows another person’s heart or what’s in their closet? I’ve learned that my heart can be broken into a zillion pieces, yet God still has something worked out to make a beautiful mosaic of the tears that I won’t allow to fall in front of others. I’ve learned I’m not as tough as I seem. I’ve learned to reach out for help so that I can be stronger. I’ve learned that through all of the truths I’ve been given glimpses of this year – resilience is something that must be allowed to grow so that I can bend, but not break.
I have also learned a few other things this past year. Our Bear has not one ounce of “wing it” in her bones. None. She must know the plan from beginning to end. If it varies, she may or may not be able to roll with it. I’ve learned that Dozer is a smart little man. He finds that one thing that he loves and he learns everything possible about it. He leaves no stone unturned. He schools me when I am incorrect. He also misses his Momma Paige, yet doesn’t really remember her. I’ve learned that the Bear will have more trouble letting Dozer move into independence than we will. I’ve learned that each of these children can teach me more about life than any other human on the planet.
Then there is my Zebra. That sweetest boy – the one I always said was the sweetest of the three. The things this child has taught me. He has endured more challenges than anyone I know and through it all – he just loves. He is that one person on this planet whose whole face lights up when he sees me. I’m just MaMaw to him and what I wouldn’t give to be able to be that even more so. I’ve learned this year that he loves me with his whole heart regardless of how often I see him. I cannot allow myself to sit and ponder the challenges our Zebra is facing, but I will scream from the tallest mountain that God is the ultimate Healer and will heal our little man. In the meantime, I relish his love and look forward to – although cautiously – the adventures we are in store for in a month or so with him.
My children? I’ve learned this year that I will continue to diligently hold onto that anchor of hope for each of them and their hearts. It is not my job to change their hearts, but it is my job to pray for them, encourage them and just love them.
There have been a lot of good things this year. There have been a lot of very difficult times this year. I do not know what the next year will hold for myself or any of the people I hold dearly. I’m thankful I do not know. I’m thankful I don’t have to worry about it, because God has authored our stories. I’m thankful joy does come in the mornings. I hope this year I can learn to trust more, to be prepared to face any more truths that may come to light, to remember where these tiny people have been and what my purpose is as it relates to them. To give them stability, security, love, a foundation, a network of people who support them, and to maybe remember to give them movie nights, fort building and staying up late.
The older I get the quicker the years go by. Somehow I have to learn to change how I react to adversity and resolve not to spend days caught up in my head, internalizing all of my feelings or working to escape them. As Dozer told me the other night, maybe I need to learn to cry in front of the people who love me. Wisdom from a 5 year old. Being resilient isn’t easy but it is certainly a requirement in my life. Someone has to be the tree with the deep roots …
RESILIENT:
- (of an object or material) capable of regaining its original shape or position after bending, stretching, compression, or other deformation; elastic
- (of a person) recovering easily and quickly from shock, illness, hardship, etc; irrepressible
Might be an appropriate word.
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