When you know the Truth . . .

I have always told my kids, as they were growing up, that if they know the truth about something, don’t argue about it.  What I mean by that is this:  if you know the truth, don’t allow yourself to engage in an argument with someone, state the truth and stand firm.  A person who wants to argue can, and oftentimes does carry that argument on with no interaction from the opposing side.  We bear witness to that often.  The Bear can have an entire argument with one of us over an issue, without either of us ever speaking a word.  She even works out the disagreement sometimes!

I say this as a preface to the fact that as the Bear told me the other day, “my heart broke into 17 pieces.”  Now our hearts haven’t broken over the same bit of news, but that’s how I feel today.  I feel betrayed.  I feel sad.  I feel anger.  I feel righteous outrage.  I feel defeat.  I feel heaviness.  I, for a brief second, could even begin to feel undone.

Why?  Because I allowed myself to relax.  I allowed myself to begin to believe a change was taking place.  I allowed myself to take someone at face value, not because I trust them, but because I am trying to learn how to trust them again.  Then Boom!  The big ole other shoe falls out of the sky into my path.  Dammit.  Yep.  I said that.

I have come to learn to never be surprised by someone’s  behavior.  It is rare that I have been surprised by what human beings do.  Being in the trenches of the criminal justice system for 27 years opened my eyes and built walls around my heart, and family, in order to protect all from what society can do to one another.  This time I allowed myself to be surprised, and yet not one bit surprised.  Doesn’t  make  much sense does it?

You see, although I cannot lay fault at the feet of any one person or thing that has caused my daughter to make the choices she has made, I do have a few people in particular that I hold accountable, herself included, because I know from raising these precious children, the damage that was inflicted.  I know, I know, justice is  not ours to serve – but let’s be honest, you do hold people accountable in your hearts.  At least I do.

Since my daughter’s current spouse entered our lives, beginning via her telephone while he was in prison, hell has been wreaked in my family.  Scars that are deceptively invisible run deep in her three children.  Scars that were perpetrated by her, by her spouse and in some measure, by the father of the two oldest.  My daughter has known that there is a thin red line that I draw in the sand as it relates to her spouse.  I will never allow her children to have contact with him, and if she chooses to continue the relationship, the children will have very limited contact with her.  I will  not allow them to re-establish a relationship with their mother, only to have her turn her back to them again for a man.

And I thought she realized it.  I thought my child, the one whose heart I thought I knew, had finally realized  the damage and that two of the greatest fears our Bear has are of my daughter’s spouse, and the fact her parents will see each other again and everything will “start all over again.”  My daughter and I have gone months without contact because I will not budge on this rule.  Over the months she has been incarcerated this time, we have had ample opportunity to discuss the damage.  I have shared with her  the fears the Bear has and the damage that has been inflicted on these children.  She has made promises to me and tearfully told me she can never make it up to them, but she will try.  Although I have not facilitated the mending of my daughter’s relationship with her children, I have not discouraged it either.  Now I feel like a fool.

You see, there is now black and white documentation that proves not only my daughter is still having contact with this man, but she is making plans for their future.  My heart aches.  My soul cries.  I looked at the faces of her two oldest children last night and this morning and wanted to cry out because I am angry and I am sad and I am . . . without words.  I can never thank enough the person who advised me of this and brought the truth into  the light.  It came about by sheer “coincidence”, but as I’ve said before, I don’t believe in “coincidences.”  Her heart was as broken as mine.  She loves my daughter and her children.  She so wants my daughter’s heart to change and she finds it unimaginable she is still willing to forego her children for the sake of a man.

So . . . she will  call tonight.  I will talk to her.  I will tell her I know  the truth.  I have to do so without condemnation, because, really, what good does  that do anyone?  I have to be matter of  fact.  I have often been accused by my kids of being heartless because I don’t show emotion, but all I know to do is state the truth, let her have her say, and pull the shield around these children ever tighter.  I will risk my relationship with my child every single time over these grandchildren.

God promises He can change hearts.  It’s  not my job to change my child’s heart.  It’s not my job to try and “figure out” when she’s telling me the truth and when she is not.  I have to somehow find a way to show her I love her, while also letting her know I refuse to participate.  I will pray for her.  I used to say all I could do was pray – but I know that is all God wants me to do.  Pray and have faith.  My hope is a little tarnished today . . . but it’s not faded.  God’s showing me mercy – that’s what I’m trying to learn to do as well – and maybe this is a lesson in that regard.  It will take a bit for this wound to heal.  I know some people don’t understand, or think this isn’t about me and it’s not.  But as a parent of an addict, raising grandchildren that were neglected, I do take it personally, for their sake.  I realize I have to let go of that too.

But for today . . . I will Trust God with all  my heart, and lean not on my own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5).

Cause I just don’t understand at all.  Not. One. Bit.  Thankfully, I can let that go and trust God.  But man it ain’t easy.