I. Am. Over. It!

Growing up in a home with four kids was an adventure to say the least.  There is approximately ten years difference from the oldest to the youngest and for all of mine and my brother’s years at home, our mom was a stay-at-home mom.  She is an amazing, fiery little red-head that can do more in one day than I can in a week.  She went back to school when her youngest entered elementary school and completed her education and retired as a public middle school teacher.  She is truly a superhero in my eyes.

But when mom would be at the edge of losing all sense of sanity and composure, she would utter the phrase:  “I’m getting ready to run down the road naked!” and when she did, we scattered like little bugs do when a light comes on.  We  knew what  that sentence meant.  It meant she was fed-up – she was done – she was over it – and if she ran down the road naked, someone would spot her and take her to a quiet place with “padded” walls where she could find peace.  As I type that sentence, I realize it’s  probably not politically correct but . . . it is what it is.

The past week and weekend for me has had me pondering that prospect myself.  I’ve thought to myself a dozen times that I am going to run down the road naked!  It’s been bad.  But we made it through the weekend and I did a happy dance the whole  way home after dropping the kids off at school.  I am wallowing in the silence that fills our home and absorbing every single moment.

Before I share  a few things that occurred over  the weekend, I’ll preface it with the fact:  it is OPENING SEASON for deer hunting.  Therefore, Joseph was gone most of the weekend, so I was on my own with them.  Here are a few things that happened this weekend:  Dozer man ran the Bear’s little battery-powered  car into our fence twice, he then drove it over his sister’s foot once, and ran it into an old cement eagle that belonged to my grandparents and destroyed the eagle.  Somehow my angel got broken that my best friend sent me when my grandmother died . . . “not me” did that one.  The Dozer’s TV somehow got pulled off into the floor, leaving the Bear with a pump knot on her forehead.  Corn chips were thrown at each other during lunch time (while I was doing laundry) and it looked as if it had  rained corn chips all  over the living room  and kitchen floors . .  . “not me” had a hand in that as well.  Twice the Dozer’s bed got completely stripped and moved about two feet from the wall.  Once I went in Dozer’s room and they were both jumping on the bed as fast as they could . . . all of this knowing that they are no longer allowed to play in one another’s rooms because they fight too much.  And . . . oh yeah . . . the Bear had more  memories to discuss and she and I had to have that dreaded s-e-x talk . . . albeit briefly and in generic form!  Did I say before – I.  Am.  Over.  It.

The Bear displayed much anger, screaming, stomping, one door slam and received multiple timeouts this weekend.  She’s been banned from all electronics since last week and found an old radio that she now has in her room so she can sing even louder while in timeout!  Dozer has had multiple timeouts as well, his is more of a passive, quiet defiance and if he rolls his eyes in his head when I’m talking to him again, it could get ugly.  I know that  they feed off of one another . . . and too often my  reactions just add fuel to the fire.

After such a rough few days, I loaded them up and we went to church yesterday morning.  Last week our preacher began a series called “You make me crazy” so I was ready for Sunday’s  message . . . and once the kids left for little church, I had my Bible ready and he opened his mouth – and the first dad-gummed scripture he refers to is out of James about taming our tongues!  Are you kidding me?!  Kinda like a kick to the gut for me and every single word he said was directed right at me . . . God’s slick like that sometimes, isn’t he?  After church I shook Brother Gary’s hand and told him that if he continues to craft his sermons specifically for me – we’re gonna have to have a talk!  I said that with a smile and laugh . . . and we both knew, God had a message for me.

Joseph and I have spoken lately about how we can be more effective in earning the kids’ respect, and we’ve both acknowledged that too often, probably, our temper gets in the way.  I guess anytime our tempers flare and we lash out in frustration with the kids, it always gets in the way.  I love these kids desperately, but there are times I don’t like them very much.  There are times when I think it’s crazy to think that we have the task of raising up this generation and I wonder how we are going to survive it.  It’s hard when your home becomes a battleground.  It’s hard to not take their defiance and anger personal but sometimes I am at fault for that as well.  Although I know down deep that it’s not personal – that maybe the Bear in particular is testing our resolve . . . will we stick it out with her?  Will we abandon her as her parent’s did?  Will we get so fed up we quit trying?  Will we stop loving her?  While the Dozer is simply feeding off of her.  People do that.

In some reading this morning I was reminded of a few things:  don’t get into a debate or argument with a child; pay very close attention to the tone of your voice; praise as often as you can; have them look you in the eye when you are speaking to them; and, help them re-train their brain when it comes to their behavior.  There are many times when I tell the Bear:  okay, I’m going to give you a minute to re-do this or go think about how you reacted and come back to try that again.  Honestly, she doesn’t always take this opportunity, but I’ve noticed she is doing so more frequently.  Last night on the way home from getting drive-thru for supper (I couldn’t have cooked a meal if someone had paid me too last night) I heard her in the backseat having a discussion with Dozer . . . asking him empathy type questions to work on his answers:  if I told you I hate your hair, would you feel sad or mad?  If someone did so and so would you be mad or sad?  What could you say to make someone feel better?  And I thought to myself (through my internal anger) she’s hearing me.  She’s hearing Joseph when he talks to her about respect.  She’s hearing God when He weighs something upon her heart.  She has actually apologized a few times in the past week or more and they were sincere, honest, unprompted apologies to either myself or her PaPaw about her behavior.  She admits she doesn’t know why she lashes out . . . besides missing her mom.

She misses her mom.  She’s afraid of and doesn’t want to see her dad.  She doesn’t want her life to change anymore.  She wants to do good . . . she gets very lost along the way.  She is attempting to process scary, oftentimes violent memories and it’s like the floodgates have finally loosened their seal in her mind.  Now begins the process of teaching her right and left brain to communicate and learning soothing mechanisms to help her upper brain “simmer down” her lower brain . . . that still basic fight or flight instinct when she perceives any type of threat.  I’ve said before – she’s a fighter – she’s the strongest little person I’ve ever known.  She makes me weak in the knees when she smiles at me, but at the same time I allow her to anger me quicker than anyone.

That’s not acceptable.  I get the fact it’s human, maybe, and part of me is responding based on fear and sorrow at the mistakes and losses I’ve experienced with my children, but it’s still not acceptable.  We have to learn to be firm – be consistent – have a unified front – love her regardless – help her knit together the memories she is having so that words can be put to them and she can begin to heal.  She has a story that we still haven’t heard.  I believe that story is beginning to emerge.  Sometimes I feel an overwhelming sadness and sometimes it’s anger, not anger at her, but anger at the adults who were supposed to protect her.  Then I think back to how she was two years ago and how far she’s come.  I see so many moments of pure joy on her face and I know she will heal.

I found this passage this morning with a notation written in the margin:  Psalm 119:105 . . . Your word is a lamp to  my feet and a light for my path.  My notation read . . . enough light for one step at a time.  Maybe God’s preparing my heart  and Joseph’s heart to accept more of the Bear’s story by providing enough for one step  at a time.  I can take hold of the promise in Psalm 89:33 . . . but I will not take my love from him, nor will I ever betray my faithfulness.

As the parents of our grand’s, we have to take one step at a time.  Sometimes it seems torturous . . . because God is preparing us to be their parents one step at a time.  Because we are loved and are promised God’s faithfulness in all things, and really, his deliberateness in all things . . . we can rest assured He’s got this.  We just have to learn how to be the vessel so that we can mold these two.

Believe me – no one wants to see  this old woman run down the road naked.  And yes I am completely over it as it relates to our last week to ten days.  I have no assurance of what  our afternoon will bring, but I pray God helps me to tame  my tongue, take my personal feelings out of the equation, and view the moment in the way God wants to use it to teach our Bear and our Dozer how to walk in this world.